Christmas Nostalgia

It’s been a while.  I must apologise (again), but as I always say- I’m a busy man.  I should really be doing some other work right now, but I have neglected our readers for long enough and for that I am truly sorry.

Today I would have opened Advent Calendar door number 16.  Already!  How quick has that gone?  I say would have because; and it pains me a little to say this; I don’t have an advent calendar this year.  Without even seeing you I can feel the shock on your faces.  How could I not have an advent calendar?  Simple really… I forgot to buy one.

I miss being at school for Christmas, particularly primary school.  I remember the build up to Christmas used to feel like an eternity.  There’d be so much going on in the weeks leading up to the last day of school that a lot of kids used to piss themselves on a daily basis because they simply did not have time to go to the toilet- let alone whip their trousers and Y-fronts down to their ankles, stand back as far as possible and aim as high as possible without covering themselves in wee: the boys had a similar problem.  There were Christmas cards to be sent, school plays to be rehearsed, silly hats to be made, class advent calendars to be opened, carols to sing… along with all the other things that used to keep us busy as children like mugging old ladies, kicking kittens and collecting football stickers.

There was also the Christmas shopping to be done.  Now I don’t know how it worked at your school, but mine used to hold an annual ‘Christmas bazaar’.  What happened was the parent’s would make and donate items to the school, the school then sold all these items to the children in a market fashion in the school hall, then the kids take the presents they have bought for their family back to the classroom to wrap them up.  The stalls were arranged by price, the cheapest sold the goods for 10p I believe whilst the most expensive could have been as much as £1.50!  I’m sure you can imagine, through this procedure my family received some truly shit presents.  In the morning each child arrives at school with about a fiver (or as much as mum could afford last minute when she dropped me off at school and realised “shit, it’s bazaar day”) and a list of all their family members they wish to buy for.  My list probably looked something like this:

Mum

Dad

Lauren

Grandma

Grandad

Nanna

Brian

Aunty Tracy

Aunty Jo

Aunty Alison

(I’m sure some of you are aware that my family is much bigger now, but with this list I am referring to a time about 14 years ago)

With ten people to buy for and a fiver to do it with, I’m sure my family couldn’t wait to unwrap what I had brought them each year!  So when my family members unwrapped something that looked like it had been wrapped by an elephant (no opposable thumbs, I’d like to think they would struggle with the cello-tape as much as I still do) they really did know how to be enthusiastic about some really crap stuff.  For example, one year I brought my grandma a packet of four shit circular black placemats- which were hideously decorated.  God bless her though, she tried so hard to make me feel like I had got her exactly what she had always wanted- she even made up a time when she could use them.  And one day she actually did use one!  And she still reminds me now, like it was the best Christmas present she has ever received and nothing I buy her now could possibly live up to that.  Another year I got my mum a pine cone sprayed gold.  She loved it!  It sat on the mantle-piece for months.  She probably still has it. Why? I will never know, it is rubbish.  But I suppose this shows that it really is the thought that counts.

And the tradition continues.  I now have a 9 year old brother who is at that exact stage in life, and I try my hardest to make it seem like what he has got me- even though I think his teacher helps him wrap the stuff, which is cheating in my eyes- is what I’ve always wanted.  Last Christmas I got two handkerchiefs, brilliant it was.

So I’ll leave you with that.  I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this. In a way that’s not gay (accidental poetry), I have enjoyed writing it.

We will put up another post before Christmas, but just in case you don’t see it (probably because you’ll be pissed for a week straight, and will eat so much you can’t even move to check your emails) Both Ed and I will take this opportunity to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Oi! You Blog Head x